Last night, I watched one of the “Sex and the City” movies that Mr. Big left Carrier at the wedding reception. The interesting part is that she knew something was wrong when she talked to Mr. Big the night before. However, she didn’t want to believe that. At that moment, I was feeling sad but I was also glad that I didn’t have to experience it! The truth is that my ex-partner talked to me about marriage, the wedding, guests, reception, and even checking out wedding rings and engagement ring. He painted a beautiful life that I had always dream of with him. From the beginning, I knew marriage is not something that he believes or wants. I told him just him and me together forever! That’s all I want! I was happy without the ring! So I was shocked when he brought up the topic of marriage. I was so happy but I also felt something missing from him, the excitement of getting married! I never made any suggestions and I just followed along whenever he talked about marriage. Every single time he talked about the marriage idea, I just felt something was missing. Three months later, we broke up because of a third person whether it was cheating or not. It was someone very special to him that he talked about her almost every single day suddenly. He worried about her future. Finally, I asked why. He sent me an email, “You are mad to be jealous!” and broke up with me. Was I really jealous?! He chose her over what we had built in those three and a half years with the challenge of having over 7000km between us. I swear that I had given it all and tried my best! It was just like Carrier that she felt something is wrong. People like to use the terms ‘over-sensitive’, ‘insecure’, and ‘jealous’. I know I wasn’t any one of those descriptions. I have no regrets. Why is it important? I had made a promise to myself that I do not want to live with regrets! I only want to count my blessing when I am laying on my death bed and till my last breath is gone.
But why do I still think of him! Most break-up articles would tell you keeping busy, and it is a process! When will I forget about him? Possibly never even if I find the Mr. Right! I know our love has faded away but some memories were so special that would always be in my mind! It is how I deal with it? What memories do I want to keep? It is my choice when I allow myself to think of him! It is my choice to think of him as a reminder of how close I almost make the biggest mistake of my life to get married for the wrong reason. It is also my choice to think of those wonderful memories and smile! Why? I want to stay positive, no regret!
“My mind still thinks of him,
but my heart doesn’t feel our love!
My mind still thinks of those loving memories,
but my soul doesn’t feel our connection!
My mind still hopes of false hope to come true,
but my intuition knows it would not!
My heart is no longer aching,
My soul is at peace,
My intuition tells me to move on!
But I still think of him!
How silly I am!
How silly I am!