A long lasting relationship

When I saw this quote, I sent it to my special someone.  Sadly, we didn’t make it after almost 4 years long distance relationship with 7000 some km apart.  Part of me believes love can conquer all.  Some couples out there has proven that it is true.  When I saw this quote, I think it sums up what I believe about love.  Unfortunately, it takes two willing hearts to make it work.  At least, this is what I believe!

19Sept2019_1

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What if?

“What if?” I often used it in a negative way until someone told me to throw out those two words and go for what I want.  Then, he said, “What if it will work out, have you used it in a positive way?” I was taught to think of the worst! I am terrible to think of the possibility! I made the decision to create a new life last year.  It has been an uphill battle.  Recently, there were many unfortunate events happened that I felt so lost in life.  Somewhere in my mind, I always think of I don’t want to have any regret.  I started to contact friends and tell them I appreciated their friendships.  I started to let go of friends who never value me as a friend.  I even wrote a letter to my ex-boyfriend of my true feeling for him despite how it ended.  The toughest one was telling my parents that I love them and gave a hug.  My childhood was never something I would like to share because it was painful.  After all, they did give me life or I wouldn’t be here.  I don’t like to have any regret what if tomorrow is the last day of my life.  Perhaps, I should start saying, ” I want happiness and make the best of each day as it’s the last day of my life!” and let go of whatever doesn’t serve my purpose and my future.

18Feb2019_Q

Me or them?

I personally believe those who seek approval are more sensitive when someone says, “No!” or some forms of communication and gestures that make us feel being rejected.  I am one of them.  I take it so personally that it paralyzed my thought. Why can’t they see my value, the good in me, and the talents in me? Rejection is not just from love one, business people, and even a sale person in a store who walked away just when you thought she may able to help you.  Something so little can be a trigger to feel this awful feeling of rejection.  My theory is that I created the feeling of rejection because I don’t feel I am good enough and they are better than me.  Another theory is that they don’t see the values that I could offer so they walked away.  Either way, I allowed the feeling of ‘rejection’ run deep in me.  What’s the pay off for having that feeling? It is our victim selves playing tricks in our minds especially when we want so much more in life but our victim selves’ duty is supposed to protect us from repeating pain. (There are many articles that have different interpretations of victim self)  The negative impacts are worst.  One, we continue to attract people who just not worth our time but we let them walk on us like a doormat.  Second, our victim selves blindfold us to see the good people who are in our lives or opportunities that truly allows us to show our value, talents, and skills.  It is not easy to just switch from the feeling of being rejected to thinking it is their problems.  I write a reminder on a sticky note or notepad on my cell phone that I am a caring person and I have values to offer to others.  It will take time and it will be a challenging time over time but I trust that those who practise would never go back to zero; it will be just test of faith.  Faith in who I truly me!

5Feb2019_Q

Count Blessings, No Regret

From the moment that I decided to create the life that I want to have in 2014, it has been an uphill battle.  Families thought it is a mistake! I lost friends as well.  When a person makes a life-changing decision, it is not just about what it is, it is about the person as well.  It is a personal growth! It is someone who actually wants to make the most out of life.  When there is change, it is almost normal that some people who will reject that idea.  But what’s more important? My life! I want to expand my knowledge, change my lifestyle, and whatever I want to change.  Sad to get no support from family but I rather have the life that I want then feeling trap.  It is not easy but I decided to make the change regardless of what the outcome will be.  In this process, I have to go back to college.  While I am exciting everything I learn, no one care to listen.  They just turned their faces away like “Shut up! Who cares!”  Sometimes, I do slip back where I just feel so tired, and depressed from my closed families reactions! Ain’t they supposed to be the biggest supporters? Yeah right?!! It seems like they are the worst.  One person said it is because they like you to fit into them.  When you change, the uncertainty of who you will become fear them!  Logically, I understand but emotionally I still think it is rather silly!  At least, my wonderful instructor and college friends are supportive.  If one thing I have learned from my past, it is to follow my heart.  After seeing someone who was very close to me and all she said was “I wish…”, “I wish…”….the countless “I wish…” before she died.  Ever since then, I made a promise to myself that I will only count blessings and no regret!  Maybe I won’t able to achieve what I want with my decision and everyone could have a good laugh and say, “I told you so!” but at least I tried with all my best! I will have no regret!

3Feb2019_Q

Love and Time

As time goes after a break-up especially with someone whom you thought there is a future, it is harder to let go.  The reason is being the fact that there were probably some good qualities between the two people.  Maybe, there were a good bond and connection. As times goes after a break-up, the reason that caused the break-up which tends to be slowly forgotten and good memories showing up more.  It makes it even harder to let go.  Doubt may show up! The feeling of missing the other person might show up! More questions may show up because of all those good memories! Why and what happened? We were so good together but why we broke up? This might sound harsh but the reason caused the break-up, even with that someone who seemed to be perfect, must be a good reason.  In my case, it was the third person.  From reading many articles and talked to counsellors, the problem wasn’t just suddenly happen suddenly! The third person or whatever the reasons that cause the breakup probably was the last draw, the trigger or the excuse to end the relationship.  Something within the relationship was slowly breaking, it was just waiting for that final trigger.  Naturally, people do not want to hurt the person that is kind or genuinely and they did love once.  Before the break-up or that big fight, the person who wants the break-up was just slowly waiting for that trigger or create the cause that will for sure end the relationship permanently when they have no intention to continue the relationship.  To let go of that person whom you thought was perfect, you might have to remember the cause of break-up instead of the good memories.  Like I said, it might sound harsh but I need to let go and move on.  Holding on to someone who will never come back is only going to hurt me more! I do believe it is true that we have to clean out the past in order for the new to come in.  Not only for yourself but holding on the last person will affect how you view the new person! The new person is not the ‘ex’.  This new person may have new potentials.  This new person may have greater qualities and able to offer the love that you long for! It might take a long time and few broken heart experiences to learn about love and finding that person who can create a long-lasting love with the heart and soul.  I believe it will worth it instead of holding on the last person who clearly does not worth your love and missing other opportunities! It is hard when it is in the process of healing.  One day, we will see that it is worth it and understand the truth why the ‘ex’ is the ‘ex’! Sounds strange! When you finally find that one person who is willing to love you for who you are, facing any obstacles with you, love you even when you two are fighting, you will understand! It does happen that the ‘ex’ will finally realize the importance of your love that he/she can’t live without and the realization has turned him or her to be a new person and ask for your love again.  Before it happens, you need to give that separation a good amount of time to let go the past and rebuild if your heart believes it is worth it.   Love does take time to learn! Loving ourselves first always, treat ourselves the way we want others to treat us, and eventually, the right person will show up! I believe it!

27jan2019_q2

 

There is no ‘backdoor’!

I have been reflecting and questioning in the past months about my last relationship and the other failed relationships.  Even after months of the break-up, I still tried one last time to pick up the phone.  He hung up without saying a word.  It has been at least a couple of months now since that phone call.  His face is slowly fading away from my mind. As soon as my mind is free, he will pop-up for a little while.  The only feeling that’s left is the feeling of disappointment.  Why do I have this feeling?

Somehow, I thought of my grandparents that their marriage was pre-arranged.  In those old days, divorce was not allowed in the Asia culture or at least in my grandparent’s marriage.  They probably had fought, argued and disappointed but they never left each other. They lived up to 96 years old.  My memories of my grandparents were wonderful.  The happiest place that I could be because there was so much love.  Even they are gone for years, I can still feel the love that they had for each other.  It makes me wonder why my relationships failed. Why many relationships fall apart in these modern days when we have the choice whether to love someone or not! I have a theory.  In my grandparents’ marriage, there is no ‘backdoor’ to exit like two people put in the same room, there are only two choices.  One is to fight and hate each other every day with no happiness for the rest of their lives.  Their other choice is to make the relationship work.  Through time, love grows! I am glad my grandparents chose love! What exactly is this ‘backdoor’? To me, it is the commitment to love each other, not about the ring but every from the heart and soul!  I guess I just find the answer why I have this feeling of disappointment because he never gave me his commitment while I did give mine!

“Without commitment, love will never grow deep into our hearts!

Without commitment, love will not stand the test of time!

It is only both commits to each other hearts and souls, 

Love will forever last even when the bodies are gone!”

 

What does this story mean to you?

I found this story on my computer that I haven’t read it for so many years.  It has so many different meanings to me.

It may have a different meaning to you but I hope you will enjoy it or even share with someone who may benefit from reading this story or someone who like a good story!

Two Falcon Birds

Once there was a king who received a gift of two magnificent falcons from Arabia. They were peregrine falcons, the most beautiful birds he had ever seen. He gave the precious birds to his head falconer to be trained.

Months passed and one day the head falconer informed the king that though one of the falcons was flying majestically, soaring high in the sky, the other bird had not moved from its branch since the day it had arrived.

The king summoned healers and sorcerers from all the land to tend to the falcon, but no one could make the bird fly. He presented the task to the member of his court, but the next day, the king saw through the palace window that the bird had still not moved from its perch. Having tried everything else, the king thought to himself, “Maybe I need someone more familiar with the countryside to understand the nature of this problem.” So he cried out to his court, “Go and get a farmer.”

In the morning, the king was thrilled to see the falcon soaring high above the palace gardens. He said to his court, “Bring me the doer of this miracle.”

The court quickly located the farmer, who came and stood before the king. The king asked him, “How did you make the falcon fly?”

With his head bowed, the farmer said to the king, ” It was very easy, your highness. I simply cut the branch where the bird was sitting.”

 

What happened to watch the movie, Sex and the City…

Last night, I watched one of the “Sex and the City” movies that Mr. Big left Carrier at the wedding reception.  The interesting part is that she knew something was wrong when she talked to Mr. Big the night before.  However, she didn’t want to believe that.  At that moment, I was feeling sad but I was also glad that I didn’t have to experience it! The truth is that my ex-partner talked to me about marriage, the wedding, guests, reception, and even checking out wedding rings and engagement ring.  He painted a beautiful life that I had always dream of with him.  From the beginning, I knew marriage is not something that he believes or wants.  I told him just him and me together forever! That’s all I want! I was happy without the ring!  So I was shocked when he brought up the topic of marriage.  I was so happy but I also felt something missing from him, the excitement of getting married! I never made any suggestions and I just followed along whenever he talked about marriage.  Every single time he talked about the marriage idea, I just felt something was missing. Three months later, we broke up because of a third person whether it was cheating or not.  It was someone very special to him that he talked about her almost every single day suddenly.  He worried about her future.  Finally, I asked why.  He sent me an email, “You are mad to be jealous!” and broke up with me.  Was I really jealous?! He chose her over what we had built in those three and a half years with the challenge of having over 7000km between us. I swear that I had given it all and tried my best! It was just like Carrier that she felt something is wrong.  People like to use the terms ‘over-sensitive’, ‘insecure’, and ‘jealous’.  I know I wasn’t any one of those descriptions. I have no regrets.  Why is it important? I had made a promise to myself that I do not want to live with regrets! I only want to count my blessing when I am laying on my death bed and till my last breath is gone.

But why do I still think of him! Most break-up articles would tell you keeping busy, and it is a process! When will I forget about him? Possibly never even if I find the Mr. Right!  I know our love has faded away but some memories were so special that would always be in my mind! It is how I deal with it?  What memories do I want to keep? It is my choice when I allow myself to think of him! It is my choice to think of him as a reminder of how close I almost make the biggest mistake of my life to get married for the wrong reason.  It is also my choice to think of those wonderful memories and smile! Why? I want to stay positive, no regret!

“My mind still thinks of him,

but my heart doesn’t feel our love!

My mind still thinks of those loving memories, 

but my soul doesn’t feel our connection!

My mind still hopes of false hope to come true, 

but my intuition knows it would not!

My heart is no longer aching,

My soul is at peace,

My intuition tells me to move on!

But I still think of him!

How silly I am!

How silly I am!