Have you ever felt like you are certain that you are on the right path to reach your dream but suddenly the path disappears? Keep hitting walls!
That’s how I felt in this month. I completed my diploma program with honours at the end of March. Everything seemed to be on the right path. Opportunities seemed to be waiting for me at the finish line! When I reached the finish line, everything disappeared. Where is the path? Where are the opportunities? Where is my reward of working hard? I was feeling so depressed that I didn’t even look at my diploma. I dismissed my achievement.
Not only that I was struggling with people’s expectations, but also criticism. I could never do things right! To be specific is my parents’ expectation that I would just land a great job. I got that look from my parents, “You are such a loser!” Yes, it is my interpretation but might not be what they meant. After years of being called, “Stupid”, it is hard not to think negatively.
Instead of searching for the JOB, I decided to leave it and re-think the time during my studying. I had surgery, heartache, concussion and the challenges from the studying. I still remember I broke down crying when the doctor told me to take weeks off from the program because of the concussion. It was the biggest challenge. I was having a learning problem that my brain couldn’t process information when I returned to class. In the end, I made it! “So what?!” I said to myself. I had no job! I got so depressed and just hid in my room. One day, I started to think that I need to dig myself out of this dark hole. I listed out my strengths and interests. I looked back at the marks and assignments that I was proud of. Maybe, this experience wasn’t about getting that JOB? Maybe the path ends because I learned how strong I am.
The struggle to meet people’s expectation is real and painful. Maybe, this experience is also about being strong and letting go of expectations? I have been saying to myself that I need to be honest with myself since the beginning of this year. I need to be truthful. Standing up to my parents and others’ is fearful. The criticism and the judgement of who I am or seeking approval, being accepted by others has always been in me. Wanting my parents to say, “You are an amazing daughter!” It is never going to happen that’s the truth! No matter what I do, I will never get it! I will never be good enough in their eyes. Maybe, this is the reason why the path ends and opportunities disappear?! A wake-up call! So I won’t be dedicated by their expectations.
I got caught in my own victim-self thinking. In my other posts, I wrote that I do not want to die with regrets. Maybe this is part of the lesson for me to learn that it is time to let that go of those junks in my head and create my own path. I want happiness and see my own dreams come true. Maybe, I am meant to do something else and I should celebrate my achievement. I remember my computer instructor said to me, “Be strong and move forward!” I will create a new path to reach my dreams!
Kitti's Thoughts and Quotes 