During my Christmas holiday, I had put more thoughts into my past and my past relationships. I know I need to change something in me in order to find the happiness that I want in a relationship or overall in life.
My childhood story with my parents might not be the worst but I do not have any happy memories that I could share. I spent my first six years of life between daycare and my grandparent’s home. My parents only came to visit on a Friday evening and returned me on Saturday afternoon. Life was like living hell with my parents since grade 1. However, I have never stopped believing that they truly love me even though my mom would beat me or angry at me almost every day until I was old enough to leave home. At the same time, my mom made a promise to her mother that she will treat my 11 years older cousin like her own son. Then, I also have a sister who is 10 years younger than me. No matter what mistakes that my cousin or sister made, they seem to always get away with it or I would be the one who got the blame. My parents treat them so special but not me. They were well respected by others so it must’ve been me who was a terrible child, therefore, I deserved the punishment. If my parents don’t love me, why would other people love me? That’s the story that I kept telling myself for years. However, I believe the nature of human, a daughter’s love to her parents. Because that’s what I believe, I would love my parents and also hold onto that story. I would always be there for them for the same reason that I believe in unconditional love.
When I reflected on my past relationships, I suddenly realized that the pattern is the same. I would be there for my ex-partners because I loved them. When they needed my emotional support or help, I would be there for them. I was loyal to them just as I am loyal to my parents. However, there was always someone else, special female friends or other females, that they cared for more and eventually they found someone else and left me. Just like my parents, there is always this older cousin and the younger sister. I never felt special in my parents’ eyes.
When I told my best friend the insight, she asked me “Do you think you manifest those relationships?” I said, “I guess I did.” She agreed and said, “Those relationships became evidence to support that story of the relationship between your parents you which you hold on to! Those experience confirmed your belief that you are not worthy to be loved!” She asked me, “Now, what are you going to do?” I said, “I need to re-write my story because my grandparents gave me so much love! My grandfather would stand up and protect me from my parents and others who tried to hurt me!” I could tell many wonderful memories that my grandparents gave me. I also had a chance to meet the couple of that daycare that I was in for the first two and half years after 10 years since I left. They also told me many detail and special memories after all these years and many babies that they looked after. I remember their smiles and how happy they were to see me. I must be a good child for them to remember me!
These insights shine a light on me. I am going to re-write my childhood story with loving memories from my grandparents. My grandmother told my parents once that I am the kindest one. My grandfather had always believed in me. I feel important and special to my grandparents even though they had ten grandchildren.
When I think of my old story that I held onto many years, I don’t feel sad anymore! I will continue to love my parents and be there when they need me. It might sound silly. The difference is I won’t pay that high mental price to let them put me down or treat me wrong.
If you were like me having trouble finding the one who would love and treasure you. Maybe you can try to look into your past relationships and your past like I did? Maybe it will show a certain belief that caused you finding the wrong partner? My story may be on the negative side but I have seen others who have wonderful relationships with their parents and they found loving partners. They told me it is because of the love that their parents give them.
Our lover, our children and any significant people are mirrors to us. If you are willing to look deep into the reflection through them, you might discover some insightful discovery that benefits you.
I wish you all find the special loved one in 2019? More important is loving yourself! Stop punishing yourself like I did for years! The mental price is too high and too much pain! We deserve to be loved and be happy!
Kitti's Thoughts and Quotes 