I have observed many friends, families, co-worker or strangers in coffee shops including myself who tried so hard to make sense with the unreasonable people. We wish they could understand us. We wish them to understand the points of the debate or discussion. In my definition of unreasonable people, they might have some of the characters of the followings:
- They think they are logical and reasonable (isn’t that interesting?)
- They are very good at using words, almost manipulative
- They usually are quite knowledgable. Knowledge becomes the tool or shield to defend themselves
- They are usually not good listeners but they do listen to pick on your weak points
- They might even lead you on a “merry-go-round” journey which means the conversation leads to nowhere
- They think that they are sincerely trying to have a good debate or conversation. In my opinion, they are not so good with feelings and emotions.
Including myself, many of us emotionally ended up frustrated. The unreasonable people had no clue and wonder ‘Why are you frustrated?”
Here are a few tips based on experience and helping other people:
- The key will help you the most is to accept that they will never change. No matter how much proof you have! They will never understand. I shouldn’t say, “Never!” Part of me still believes life has its way to teach people! I do believe in miracles.
- As soon as you realize that you are dealing with an unreasonable person, you can give yourself permission to end the discussion. Don’t let the person get you emotionally or tricks you on the ‘merry-go-round’!
- With work situation, I find it effective to use writing to communicate with the unreasonable people. It eliminates the chances of playing with words, manipulation, and anything that’s unrelated. It actually helps them to stay on the topic. Using point-form is the best! Even for couples, writing with point-form can help to identify the problem and help to find a solution. Write only when you are calm! Always remind your loved one that you love them!
- Listen to what their thoughts are. Sometimes, I do learn a few things. As I said, some of the unreasonable people are knowledgable. As I keep quiet and listen to them, they might get frustrated and talked even more. At one point, you almost can see these people debating with themselves. (“Your left brain is debating with your right brain!” I heard it from one of the people who said it to the unreasonable person with a good laugh!)
- My last suggestion is using this opportunity to be your most honest self and speak with confidence regardless of the result. Keep your emotion on neutral! To remind yourself that you have spoken truthfully and feel good about it. Walk away gracefully! If you can see it as an opportunity especially if you are like me who are not so good with debate, not much confidence, rather sensitive, and try to find our voice, I believe you can gain hugely from it. Imagine the feeling of speaking confidently!
By practising, you probably can find your own ways to deal with unreasonable people. Welcome to share with all of us!
I like this quote from David Viscott:
“When you respond to an unreasonable person by getting emotional,
you give them victory.
How do you manage unreasonable people?
You dismiss them like shadows.”
Kitti's Thoughts and Quotes 